New Gyno-saur

I really did mean to post this sooner, but it is a weird time in my life. My work life has been completely turned up side down and the good news is I should be working from home very soon. I can't wait!

Anyway, I did have my first appointment with my new Gynecologist. He was on time, polite,and respectful I was pretty impressed. My only complaint is that he didn't come in to meet me before I was nude. It's just a pet peeve of mine. I don't want to meet someone for the first time while completely naked wearing a paper gown. We discussed my horrible cycle with the 17 day long period, and then the cycle I had after that with a 9 day period. He of course suggested birth control to regulate my cycle. I had to look him in the eye and say "My husband and I are trying to get pregnant." It felt really bizarre to confess out loud. I don't tell very many people because I feel like a 14 year old girl on the Maury show telling the world that I'm ready for children.

He did a pap smear and then sent me to the laboratory for a thyroid test. Both of my tests came back perfectly normal, so that's good news. Since both tests were fine he suggested we try OPKs and timed intercourse. I have considered using OPKs before but my husband thought they were kind of intimidating. Now that I've explained exactly how the OPKs or LH strips work he's changed his mind and thinks it's a great idea. Yay!

Currently I'm on CD 31, which is highly unusual considering I have a 25 day cycle. Husband is getting kind of antsy, he wants me to go ahead a do a pregnancy test. I haven't yet because I don't want to get my hopes up too high. On the other hand: My BBT chart this cycle was the best I've ever had! It's the first time that the Fertility Friend application on my phone has given me the ovulation cross-hairs that stayed the entire cycle. Also we BD'd the ovulation day and the day after. I think I'll wait until this Saturday or Sunday before I think about testing.

Wednesday the 10th is my wedding anniversary, so if I could manage to get my BFP before then I would win the best anniversary present ever award.

Best Wishes

My Worst Cycle

So I've recently had a new and terrible experience. My last period was supposed to start on about July 28th.   I try not to get worried or get hopeful unless 6 or 7 days pass without any sign of Aunt Flow. This time only a couple of days passed and AF showed up on July 30th and it was really light on CD1 and CD2. I started to think I was going to have a light easy period for once in my life. CD3 rolled around my period started to get a bit heavier but I still thought it was normal. CD7 rolled around I thought my period was going to lighten up and vanish. CD8 my period got really heavy, like unusually heavy. This continued until CD14. I even had some vaginal pain on CD 10 but never had any cramps. My husband and I were getting really concerned. I even thought for a moment about going to the emergency room. I'm stubborn enough I decided to wait it out and try to get an appointment with a gynecologist.

I finally decided that I needed to see a doctor on CD16, still bleeding but not very heavily. I don't currently have a gynecologist. Or Gyno-saur as I tend to call them. I called the clinic closest to me that is owned by the same hospital system that I work for. Their referral coordinator took my information and said they'd call me within 4 or 5 days to let me know if the doctor would accept me as a patient. Ugh. My awful terrible period finally ended on cycle day 17. I have never had a period last longer than 8 days and that was only one time.  My periods are almost always 6 or 7 days. They called me on CD19 and said that the doctor that I wanted agreed to see me as a patient. So that's good news. The only problem is the first available appointment is September 18th! That's madness!

The worst part is, today is CD25. If I have a 25 day cycle on average, and you count the first day of spotting as CD1 I could start my period AGAIN any day now. If so, I'm going to call the clinic and ask if they can work me in sooner.

And now for something controversial: I know other countries have vastly different healthcare systems. I've been watching several TTC vloggers on Youtube from different countries. They sometimes have to wait months and months for an appointment because of their universal heathcare, so I know I have it better than they do, but still the wait seems ridiculous to me. It's hard for me to form an opinion because I know that there are so many people who don't have insurance and don't have any way to pay for the healthcare they need.....but then a big angry bitter part of me says it's not fair that I have a job, have insurance that I pay heaps of money for. Why should I have to wait months for an appointment when the people going to the doctor ahead of me don't work, don't have insurance, and I my tax money supports them?  I'm really really torn on the issue.

I'll try to make another post next week to keep my two post per month average, I think I might cover my still crazy and completely unpredictable BBT charts.

Best Wishes

Constant Change

I'm only just now starting to realize at the ripe old age of 23 that the only constant in life is change.

My husband and I got a fantastic deal on our new car. It's a five year old Jeep Compass. Nothing remarkable but it is a huge step up from our last car. Having a car payment is a strange thing for us but I don't think it will be an upheaval in our financial situation. I really like it and it's nice to have a car that I'm not embarrassed of. It's also nice for my TTC heart to know this is most likely that car I will still be driving when we get to bring a baby home. *Sigh*.

My little brother has lived with my husband and I since he was 16. He has had odd jobs here and there but about two weeks ago he got a great job. He is making double what I do. I'm a little jealous but I'm really happy for him. I no longer have to split his daily living expenses with my Grandmother so this has been another great change for us. I can't help but think he will help us out later down the road if we TTCing gets to the point of IVFs and / or adoption.It might sound strange to some, but we have a really tight knit family and we help each other out first and foremost before spending on ourselves or any material possessions. '

Now for the sad change... My Grandfather is 92 years old, and we just found out that he has a cancerous tumor in his salivary gland. It's swollen out off the right side of his jaw, looks very alien, and it's causing him pain. He will start radiation treatments this week to try to shrink it. At this point we know he can't stand anything more invasive. We just want the actual tumor to be smaller so it won't cause him pain anymore. It's not technically terminal but it's just really hard for me to accept that my Hero won't be around much longer.  It's hard for my to accept that my Grandfather might never meet my children. He's the sweetest, kindest, most gentle old man that has ever lived. It's impossible for me to list all that he has done, and all that he means to me. For starters he only reluctantly retired from being a math teacher at the age of 70 to stay home and take care of me. My parents couldn't afford for my mom to stay home with me so my Grandpa was my all day every day care-giver from when I was 6 months old until I started Kindergarten. I always have been and will always continue to be Grandpa's girl.

Anyway, two good changes, and one sad one.  Aunt Flow was supposed to arrive today, and she hasn't shown up yet. That's always good. If I had my way this would be the very month that she doesn't show up. I don't want to see her again for...hmmm. I don't know....Does about 10 months sound okay? I could use a break from Aunt Flow.

Best Wishes

Turbulence

My husband and I suffered a terrible loss this week. Our one and only car has died. It was only 13 years young, with 272,000 miles, and we will miss it dearly. It was my husband's first car that he's babied along for the last 10 years. This has caused some turbulence in our world. We live about 35 miles from work so we absolutely have to have a car to get back and forth 70+ miles each day.

Anyway, we're not poor but we do struggle financially. We're young and dumb and shouldn't struggle as much as we do. We make enough money but we live the wrong way. We are not prepared at all to replace our poor car. We haven't had a car payment in years and years.

It might seem completely unrelated to TTC but it's not. It's hard to put my numerous ideas in an order that makes sense.

Money always takes a TTC in a big loop. The money we're having to spend on a new car or repairing our old car could be spent on TTC. When I say "new car" I do not mean "new". My husband and I would never go buy a brand new car. We're only talking upgrading from our embarrassing old rust wagon to something 5 or so years old with about 100k less miles. The old car we have is not suitable for a child, if that is the car that will take our baby on it's first car ride I will be a little ashamed of myself. If we got a new car, it's a couple years commitment for monthly car payments, even less and less money for us. I know that we have to get a different car eventually I just really wish we had more time to prepare. 

Honestly this turbulence has made me reconsider TTCing. I can't be alone in feeling this way when faced with hard decisions. In the back of my mind old cliches say "When you stop wanting it, it will happen." and then I get excited for the mystical fertility magic of "stop thinking about it".

This is cycle day 23, and Aunt Flow should be here probably late this week. Until then I'll be car shopping and crying.

Best Wishes

My first BBT chart

It's CD8 of my new cycle, and I'm still keeping track of BBT. Below is a picture of my first chart. I only missed one day and that was because I was taking care of my grandparents and forgot to take my thermometer with me. It started off great, high temps, sudden drop but that was only CD4. After that it was level until CD 8 and then it went on a crazy roller coaster. I don't know what to think. My husband thinks that my temps get too low, he says he's uncomfortable with anything under 96 degrees. I went to my trusty doctor Dr.WebMD and it kind of suggested hyperthyroidism. I am starting to think that purchasing the cheapest thermometer ever made was probably not a great start. I will probably go buy another one, better quality and use both and at the same time to compare. I still have not made a real doctors appointment, even thought I said I would. 

My temps this month are already crazy again. As high as 97.9 and as low as 96.3. I really am going to make an appointment with a new doctor. I want to know about these crazy BBT charts and see if there is anything they can do for my 7 and a half day periods when I only have a 25 day cycle. I'm sick of feeling like I'm constantly on my period. Ugh. 

If you have any ideas or experience with crazy BBT readings let me know.

Best Wishes

My husband's confession

Last week my husband and I were driving home. He waved at a passing truck that I didn't recognize. He said it was a guy from the fire station where he volunteers.
"I was talking to him the other day, and he said he and his wife had trouble having kids." husband said.
Whoa. I was surprised. This was the first time he has mentioned talking to other people about our infertility. I asked him if the guy said anything else.
"He said they tried for years and then we they gave up hope and relaxed it just happened."
Oh of course, they lived the cliche. I got misty eyed. I hate that "relaxing" isn't some magic pill to help us conceive and that my poor husband is suffering just as much as I am.

For the first whole year that I wasn't on birth control I didn't share my pain with my husband. I wanted him to think that we weren't "trying" even though he knew we weren't doing any thing to prevent pregnancy. If he questioned me about it I would say that it could take up to a year for birth control to leave your system. I didn't know if it was true or not but I wanted to be the only one worrying about it. I didn't know anything yet about my own fertility and I just kept crying alone in the bathroom when AF showed up.

Our first anniversary came and one of our acquaintances had an unplanned pregnancy, her third unplanned pregnancy, ..... I had what I like to call a "shit-fit" I hated her for this. I broke down and told my husband how I had been feeling. I told him that I had been crossing my fingers each month, and intentionally keeping him unaware. He wasn't upset but he did have a lot of questions. Did I want to get to the doctor? Why had I kept it to myself? etc.  As of now he is filled in on everything, but I do try to spare him some of the grosser things like cervical mucus, etc.

I'm trying really hard now to let him be a support for me. I want to shield him from the pain that I feel. When he confessed that he told this guy from his department it was a real light-bulb moment for me. I know he is here in the trenches with me and might get hurt no matter how much I keep to myself. He is my soul-mate for sure. Infertility aside, I know I could live out my days with him and still be happy.

Best Wishes

My own stats...

I'm going to try to keep it short today due to my adoption connection post being so long. :)

As I mentioned before my husband and I are at the very beginning of our true journey to parenthood. We're not new to TTC, we're new to real planning and intervention. We're on our 21st cycle, we've had two good "scares" but never a BFP. I do have PCOS, and my husband has possible problems due to testical torsion. I typically have a 25 day cycle and it's currently CD9 and I'm a little embarrassed to admit that this is my first cycle keeping track of BBT.

My temperature so far has been pretty encouraging! I had a very defined dip, seemingly an ovulation dip. The only problem is it was on cycle day 4! I was right in the middle of my usual 7 day period. My husband and I typically don't BD during my period, but if this dip occurs around the earliest cycle days again for the next couple of cycles we'll have to make an exception. I went first to my good friend google, and google confirmed my fears. If I'm ovulating while on my period it will make it even harder to conceive. That uterine lining is there for a reason! 

My worst confession of all: I haven't even been to the gynecologist ( I will sometimes refer to gynecologists as gyno-saurs, just for laughs) in over two years. I know! It's awful! It's on my to-do list. My mom is having some pretty serious health issues with her reproductive parts, and is facing a complete hysterectomy so my family is pressuring me to go again. I know there's no excuse for ignoring my health but I had a stroke of bad luck. I had just started seeing this new gynecologist and his clinic is one of the best in the area. They don't over see pregnancy care or births, so it makes it so much easier and faster to get appointments. Long story short due to a misunderstanding with my family I was unable to pay for my three visits and my account with him went out to collections. I'm going to pay it very shortly, but I know already I have to find another doctor. I have two coworkers that struggled with infertility and they have both strongly suggested the same doctor. I intend to call him within the week to make an appointment.

There you have it. I will continue to post my stats with any interesting changes. I will do my best to keep writing real posts instead of unreadable stats riddled with ttc abbreviations and lingo. 

Best Wishes

The Adoption Connection

"Have you considered adoption?" is not something that a TTC woman likes to hear. My husband and I have of course given it due thought but for completely different reasons.

When I was about six years old, I caught my poor dear Dad trying to be the tooth fairy. His big gruff hand woke me up from under my pillow. He told me to go back to sleep and we'd talk about it tomorrow. My parents sat me down and ripped the band-aid off. They said that they were the tooth fairy, the easter bunny, Santa Claus and that my Dad was adopted. That's right. All at once my parents dropped the information on me. I immediately forgot all about the fictional holiday characters, and questioned my parents to death about my Dad. Why was he adopted? Where did he come from? Why did his mom leave him? Grandma isn't my real Grandma? They did their best to answer my questions with all the information they had. It was never a secret to my Dad or any of his family and once I knew the truth I realized that it wasn't a big deal at all. My Dad has zero issues or insecurities about his adoption. He just says that his parents are the people who raised him, and that's all that matters.

Fast forward a couple of years. I was about 10 years old when my mother became obsessed with genealogy. She joined a local genealogical society and dove head first in to all resources and archives available. She was able to trace her family line back to the Revolutionary War. This is when I learned that my mother's grandfather had also been adopted. The strange part is he had the same birth name as my father, the same birth date.Weird, eh? 

My Mom was certain that she could dig up my Dad's biological mother. He was reluctant. I'm not sure how she did it but she did eventually find my Dad's biological mother. I believe she went by the name "Bunny." My Dad had no interest in meeting her but said he was curious about our medical history because of some various health problems. My dad drove 3 hours to where she lived and they had lunch together at a greasy spoon. She said she had  kids before him and had given them all up for adoption. My Dad was the last that she gave for adoption. She raised (I think) three children afterwards. She had been the singer in a bar band and my Dad's biological father would have been one of two brothers that were both deceased. When asked my Dad said he had a nice time and even got some photos of her but I always kind of knew he didn't want to be around her. When I became an adult I asked my Dad more about her and he said that she called him six months after they first met and asked him for money. He said he hadn't spoken to her since then and didn't know if she was still living. 

Last Connection: My dear husband, Jon. When we started dating I was living with my Dad's parents, and my husband and I were going through my Grandma's photo albums with her. In a box she found a little blue books that said "CM" on it. These were my father's initials for his birth name. The book was kind of a baby book/album that the care-givers at the orphanage kept for the new babies. She opened it up and started reading cute little snippets from it. "He likes to eat by 6 p.m. or he gets cranky." ..."We think his favorite color is blue." that sort of stuff. My poor husband was terribly confused. I told him that my Dad was adopted and his mouth fell open. He looked shocked. He blurted out "My Mom was adopted!" 

Yes, my husband and I both have one adopted parent. 

My mother-in-Law's story isn't as happy as my father's and it's not my story to tell so I'll be brief. She had much older parents, they each had children from previous marriages. I'm not sure if they weren't able to have children together or if they wanted the "Yours, Mine, and Ours." Her older siblings were almost grown and didn't have much love or acceptance for the new adopted baby. My MIL says everyone in her town knew who her parents were except for her. The rumor has it that her mom was a teenager and unmarried and her father was the town's Sheriff. This was the early 50's so my poor MIL was born to a controversy she hadn't heard of. No one told her until she was about 40 that she had attended school with her half siblings from both sides. Her adoption records were sealed and she wasn't able to confirm any of the things she'd been told. 

I apologize for the length of this entry but I wanted to share my family's bizarre Adoption Connections. I think I'll share a new story about dear Husband next time.

Best Wishes,

The Bad Advice

My friends and family mean well, they really do. They don't realize their words hurt me more often than they help. I'm sure every couple struggling with infertility have dealt with this from their loved ones as well.  To be honest, sometimes they are kind of funny later when I'm dwelling on them. They often bring laughter and tears. I want to discuss some of the most memorable moments.

I have two close friends that were both teen mothers. They both have beautiful daughters that I love dearly, and they both know that my husband and I are TTC. They've both guilty of blurting out bad advice or unwanted advice. I don't want this to come off like I"m angry with them, because I'm not but. If you haven't yet, this would be a good time to check my tab at the top labeled "TTC Etiquette"   They've both said they would "have the babies for me", and that I can borrow her daughters as often as I want to "play house", and that I better not plot to kill them so I can be her daughter's "new mom". They've both offered to "give" any unplanned pregnancy babies to us. Of course, I let them know when they've hit a particularly sensitive nerve.  They always apologizes, and try again to make me feel better. The only time I actually get angry is when I realize they don't understand their own conceptions, cycles, or fertility. Both of their pregnancies were completely unplanned.

Here are some more gems : "I want to have a garage sale, I wish you'd just hurry up and get pregnant so I can give you all my old baby stuff."  Sometimes after they let "I hope I'm not pregnant." slip they'll shoot me an apologetic look and say "Sorry!" Occasionally if I'm feeling under the weather, if I call in to work, the first thing my friends or coworkers will ask when I return is "So?! Are you pregnant or what?!"  and I always say "Or what."

My own mother still says things like "You know I'd carry them if I could."Though she and my friends know it's my eggs that are the problem, not my uterus. It's like they only half listen to what I tell them about the medical stuff. My mom is also the only one who's uttered the dreaded "Maybe if you'd just relax...go on vacation!"

My Mother-in-Law struggled with infertility, but she won't speak about it. It is for sure touchy, and I don't want her to feel like she has to tell me anything uncomfortable. She and my Father-in-Law were married for nine years before they had my husband. She said once that they started trying a year in to their marriage. My husband says he remembers being about 7 or 8 and his parents asked him what he thought about them adopting a brother or sister for him. He was all for it, but now no one speaks about it and he is an only child. The first time I had dinner at their house as the new girlfriend she said "I'm only 90% sure that he wasn't conceived in a car." I don't know what to think about that.

Anyway.... I feel better getting that off my chest. Next time I'll discuss all the crazy adoption connections in mine and my husband's family tree.

Who can you trust?

One of the big reasons I haven't "come out" as TTC to my family and friends is because we don't always make it a main priority. Sometimes we just ignore it and continue on with our lives. I don't want to tell my coworkers or my friends and then have to face their questions. I don't want to have to fill them in on my cycle or disclose to them what crazy procedures we've tried. I know they would mean well, and I know they would think they were being a support to me but for now I just don't want to deal with it.

I feel like I'm protecting them from disappointment by leaving them in the dark. I want to be the only one in tears when my period comes each month. I don't want to have to be accountable for getting their hopes up.


This is a big question we're facing. Who can you trust? Who do you share your burdens with?

What's in a name?

When searching out other infertility blogs I saw dozens of adorable names. I hate to name them for fear of misquoting but they made me really think about what I wanted to call this blog. The name "Waiting for Strangers" came to me while playing video games. I adore video games and I was playing one of my newer games "Sims 3" on my Wii. This is the first Sims brand game that I have owned that lets you have children. I started my first game file with a couple made to be replicas of my husband and myself.

I played this game for several hours before I got brave enough to investigate where the Sims babies came from. I made my character interact romantically with my husband's character. I clicked the necessary actions until the game gave me the option to "Woo-Hoo" (have sex with) my husband or "Try for Baby". I cursed aloud and let a couple of hate tears fall when I clicked "Try for Baby" and my Sim character almost immediately after coitus showed the symptoms of nausea and back-ache. This of course was followed by a baby-bump and a 20 point mood boost because my Sim enjoyed being pregnant. That bitch.

My husband rolled his eyes while I complained loudly about our digital fertile avatars. Two digital Sims days passed and I got a game notification saying that my Sim had been taken to the hospital to give birth. I soon found my character standing in the yard while the game tried to create what our Sim child would look like. I again complained and cursed loudly, I was anxious to see how our digital child appeared. My husband said "Where is it? What's taking so long?" and I said "I don't know, maybe it's already in the house and I'm out here waiting on a stranger!". That moment cute little boy appeared in the yard next to me with my husband's stick-straight hair and his deep chocolate colored eyes. I made my character walk up to him, he waved. I chose "Ask about Day" as a conversation prompt, the relationship bar popped up. It turned out, we weren't strangers at all, we knew exactly who the other was.

It sounds a bit sappy but that's really how it happened. When I decided to start blogging a couple of weeks ago the name "Waiting for Strangers" seemed to fit. We're strangers now, but when you get here, I'll know exactly who you are.

Best Wishes.

Waiting for Strangers: An Explanation

The first rule of blogging is honesty. I will admit that that honest when it comes to Trying to Conceive or TTC is hard. It's an uncomfortable thing to discuss. Those who are living it understand, but it's nearly impossible to explain to people who haven't lived with infertility. I will do my best to be honest, with limits to privacy, and of course: the limits of TMI.

Let's start with a brief bio, shall we? I'm in my early twenties, as is my husband, Jon. We were married in October of 2010 after a four year engagement. When I was nineteen years old I was diagnosed with Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS. My husband had a testicular issue when he was about 13 and as far as we currently know he has only one functioning testicle. There goes the TMI already, that's not something that is usually discussed in good company. 

What I mean to say is that my husband and I knew before our wedding vows that we could have trouble having children. In fact, while on our honeymoon my husband gave me a nervous look when I through my birth control pills in to the trash, I replied "Relax dear, it's not like I'll get pregnant immediately." I of course was crossing my fingers behind my back, hoping for exactly that.

It's now early April of 2012, no birth control has been used in a year and half, the duration our entire marriage. It's hard to define "trying to conceive" or TTC because sometimes we weren't trying. We were just newlyweds, without any protection. We went through a brief period last year where we were faithfully really trying to conceive. I started taking pre-natal vitamins, we monitored my cycles,  the things fertile couples know nothing about. After about 6 cycles, my husband became discouraged and we went back to the way we were. Unprotected, unplanned, and unscheduled.

Currently we have not sought any infertility care, but that's the beauty of it. This is the beginning of our journey. We are very much considering our next steps. We have just a couple more things we plan to line up, just a few more bills that need paid, and then we dive in with noses plugged. 

Best Wishes.