Turbulence

My husband and I suffered a terrible loss this week. Our one and only car has died. It was only 13 years young, with 272,000 miles, and we will miss it dearly. It was my husband's first car that he's babied along for the last 10 years. This has caused some turbulence in our world. We live about 35 miles from work so we absolutely have to have a car to get back and forth 70+ miles each day.

Anyway, we're not poor but we do struggle financially. We're young and dumb and shouldn't struggle as much as we do. We make enough money but we live the wrong way. We are not prepared at all to replace our poor car. We haven't had a car payment in years and years.

It might seem completely unrelated to TTC but it's not. It's hard to put my numerous ideas in an order that makes sense.

Money always takes a TTC in a big loop. The money we're having to spend on a new car or repairing our old car could be spent on TTC. When I say "new car" I do not mean "new". My husband and I would never go buy a brand new car. We're only talking upgrading from our embarrassing old rust wagon to something 5 or so years old with about 100k less miles. The old car we have is not suitable for a child, if that is the car that will take our baby on it's first car ride I will be a little ashamed of myself. If we got a new car, it's a couple years commitment for monthly car payments, even less and less money for us. I know that we have to get a different car eventually I just really wish we had more time to prepare. 

Honestly this turbulence has made me reconsider TTCing. I can't be alone in feeling this way when faced with hard decisions. In the back of my mind old cliches say "When you stop wanting it, it will happen." and then I get excited for the mystical fertility magic of "stop thinking about it".

This is cycle day 23, and Aunt Flow should be here probably late this week. Until then I'll be car shopping and crying.

Best Wishes

My first BBT chart

It's CD8 of my new cycle, and I'm still keeping track of BBT. Below is a picture of my first chart. I only missed one day and that was because I was taking care of my grandparents and forgot to take my thermometer with me. It started off great, high temps, sudden drop but that was only CD4. After that it was level until CD 8 and then it went on a crazy roller coaster. I don't know what to think. My husband thinks that my temps get too low, he says he's uncomfortable with anything under 96 degrees. I went to my trusty doctor Dr.WebMD and it kind of suggested hyperthyroidism. I am starting to think that purchasing the cheapest thermometer ever made was probably not a great start. I will probably go buy another one, better quality and use both and at the same time to compare. I still have not made a real doctors appointment, even thought I said I would. 

My temps this month are already crazy again. As high as 97.9 and as low as 96.3. I really am going to make an appointment with a new doctor. I want to know about these crazy BBT charts and see if there is anything they can do for my 7 and a half day periods when I only have a 25 day cycle. I'm sick of feeling like I'm constantly on my period. Ugh. 

If you have any ideas or experience with crazy BBT readings let me know.

Best Wishes

My husband's confession

Last week my husband and I were driving home. He waved at a passing truck that I didn't recognize. He said it was a guy from the fire station where he volunteers.
"I was talking to him the other day, and he said he and his wife had trouble having kids." husband said.
Whoa. I was surprised. This was the first time he has mentioned talking to other people about our infertility. I asked him if the guy said anything else.
"He said they tried for years and then we they gave up hope and relaxed it just happened."
Oh of course, they lived the cliche. I got misty eyed. I hate that "relaxing" isn't some magic pill to help us conceive and that my poor husband is suffering just as much as I am.

For the first whole year that I wasn't on birth control I didn't share my pain with my husband. I wanted him to think that we weren't "trying" even though he knew we weren't doing any thing to prevent pregnancy. If he questioned me about it I would say that it could take up to a year for birth control to leave your system. I didn't know if it was true or not but I wanted to be the only one worrying about it. I didn't know anything yet about my own fertility and I just kept crying alone in the bathroom when AF showed up.

Our first anniversary came and one of our acquaintances had an unplanned pregnancy, her third unplanned pregnancy, ..... I had what I like to call a "shit-fit" I hated her for this. I broke down and told my husband how I had been feeling. I told him that I had been crossing my fingers each month, and intentionally keeping him unaware. He wasn't upset but he did have a lot of questions. Did I want to get to the doctor? Why had I kept it to myself? etc.  As of now he is filled in on everything, but I do try to spare him some of the grosser things like cervical mucus, etc.

I'm trying really hard now to let him be a support for me. I want to shield him from the pain that I feel. When he confessed that he told this guy from his department it was a real light-bulb moment for me. I know he is here in the trenches with me and might get hurt no matter how much I keep to myself. He is my soul-mate for sure. Infertility aside, I know I could live out my days with him and still be happy.

Best Wishes

My own stats...

I'm going to try to keep it short today due to my adoption connection post being so long. :)

As I mentioned before my husband and I are at the very beginning of our true journey to parenthood. We're not new to TTC, we're new to real planning and intervention. We're on our 21st cycle, we've had two good "scares" but never a BFP. I do have PCOS, and my husband has possible problems due to testical torsion. I typically have a 25 day cycle and it's currently CD9 and I'm a little embarrassed to admit that this is my first cycle keeping track of BBT.

My temperature so far has been pretty encouraging! I had a very defined dip, seemingly an ovulation dip. The only problem is it was on cycle day 4! I was right in the middle of my usual 7 day period. My husband and I typically don't BD during my period, but if this dip occurs around the earliest cycle days again for the next couple of cycles we'll have to make an exception. I went first to my good friend google, and google confirmed my fears. If I'm ovulating while on my period it will make it even harder to conceive. That uterine lining is there for a reason! 

My worst confession of all: I haven't even been to the gynecologist ( I will sometimes refer to gynecologists as gyno-saurs, just for laughs) in over two years. I know! It's awful! It's on my to-do list. My mom is having some pretty serious health issues with her reproductive parts, and is facing a complete hysterectomy so my family is pressuring me to go again. I know there's no excuse for ignoring my health but I had a stroke of bad luck. I had just started seeing this new gynecologist and his clinic is one of the best in the area. They don't over see pregnancy care or births, so it makes it so much easier and faster to get appointments. Long story short due to a misunderstanding with my family I was unable to pay for my three visits and my account with him went out to collections. I'm going to pay it very shortly, but I know already I have to find another doctor. I have two coworkers that struggled with infertility and they have both strongly suggested the same doctor. I intend to call him within the week to make an appointment.

There you have it. I will continue to post my stats with any interesting changes. I will do my best to keep writing real posts instead of unreadable stats riddled with ttc abbreviations and lingo. 

Best Wishes