Last week my husband and I were driving home. He waved at a passing truck that I didn't recognize. He said it was a guy from the fire station where he volunteers.
"I was talking to him the other day, and he said he and his wife had trouble having kids." husband said.
Whoa. I was surprised. This was the first time he has mentioned talking to other people about our infertility. I asked him if the guy said anything else.
"He said they tried for years and then we they gave up hope and relaxed it just happened."
Oh of course, they lived the cliche. I got misty eyed. I hate that "relaxing" isn't some magic pill to help us conceive and that my poor husband is suffering just as much as I am.
For the first whole year that I wasn't on birth control I didn't share my pain with my husband. I wanted him to think that we weren't "trying" even though he knew we weren't doing any thing to prevent pregnancy. If he questioned me about it I would say that it could take up to a year for birth control to leave your system. I didn't know if it was true or not but I wanted to be the only one worrying about it. I didn't know anything yet about my own fertility and I just kept crying alone in the bathroom when AF showed up.
Our first anniversary came and one of our acquaintances had an unplanned pregnancy, her third unplanned pregnancy, ..... I had what I like to call a "shit-fit" I hated her for this. I broke down and told my husband how I had been feeling. I told him that I had been crossing my fingers each month, and intentionally keeping him unaware. He wasn't upset but he did have a lot of questions. Did I want to get to the doctor? Why had I kept it to myself? etc. As of now he is filled in on everything, but I do try to spare him some of the grosser things like cervical mucus, etc.
I'm trying really hard now to let him be a support for me. I want to shield him from the pain that I feel. When he confessed that he told this guy from his department it was a real light-bulb moment for me. I know he is here in the trenches with me and might get hurt no matter how much I keep to myself. He is my soul-mate for sure. Infertility aside, I know I could live out my days with him and still be happy.
Best Wishes
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