Constant Change

I'm only just now starting to realize at the ripe old age of 23 that the only constant in life is change.

My husband and I got a fantastic deal on our new car. It's a five year old Jeep Compass. Nothing remarkable but it is a huge step up from our last car. Having a car payment is a strange thing for us but I don't think it will be an upheaval in our financial situation. I really like it and it's nice to have a car that I'm not embarrassed of. It's also nice for my TTC heart to know this is most likely that car I will still be driving when we get to bring a baby home. *Sigh*.

My little brother has lived with my husband and I since he was 16. He has had odd jobs here and there but about two weeks ago he got a great job. He is making double what I do. I'm a little jealous but I'm really happy for him. I no longer have to split his daily living expenses with my Grandmother so this has been another great change for us. I can't help but think he will help us out later down the road if we TTCing gets to the point of IVFs and / or adoption.It might sound strange to some, but we have a really tight knit family and we help each other out first and foremost before spending on ourselves or any material possessions. '

Now for the sad change... My Grandfather is 92 years old, and we just found out that he has a cancerous tumor in his salivary gland. It's swollen out off the right side of his jaw, looks very alien, and it's causing him pain. He will start radiation treatments this week to try to shrink it. At this point we know he can't stand anything more invasive. We just want the actual tumor to be smaller so it won't cause him pain anymore. It's not technically terminal but it's just really hard for me to accept that my Hero won't be around much longer.  It's hard for my to accept that my Grandfather might never meet my children. He's the sweetest, kindest, most gentle old man that has ever lived. It's impossible for me to list all that he has done, and all that he means to me. For starters he only reluctantly retired from being a math teacher at the age of 70 to stay home and take care of me. My parents couldn't afford for my mom to stay home with me so my Grandpa was my all day every day care-giver from when I was 6 months old until I started Kindergarten. I always have been and will always continue to be Grandpa's girl.

Anyway, two good changes, and one sad one.  Aunt Flow was supposed to arrive today, and she hasn't shown up yet. That's always good. If I had my way this would be the very month that she doesn't show up. I don't want to see her again for...hmmm. I don't know....Does about 10 months sound okay? I could use a break from Aunt Flow.

Best Wishes

Turbulence

My husband and I suffered a terrible loss this week. Our one and only car has died. It was only 13 years young, with 272,000 miles, and we will miss it dearly. It was my husband's first car that he's babied along for the last 10 years. This has caused some turbulence in our world. We live about 35 miles from work so we absolutely have to have a car to get back and forth 70+ miles each day.

Anyway, we're not poor but we do struggle financially. We're young and dumb and shouldn't struggle as much as we do. We make enough money but we live the wrong way. We are not prepared at all to replace our poor car. We haven't had a car payment in years and years.

It might seem completely unrelated to TTC but it's not. It's hard to put my numerous ideas in an order that makes sense.

Money always takes a TTC in a big loop. The money we're having to spend on a new car or repairing our old car could be spent on TTC. When I say "new car" I do not mean "new". My husband and I would never go buy a brand new car. We're only talking upgrading from our embarrassing old rust wagon to something 5 or so years old with about 100k less miles. The old car we have is not suitable for a child, if that is the car that will take our baby on it's first car ride I will be a little ashamed of myself. If we got a new car, it's a couple years commitment for monthly car payments, even less and less money for us. I know that we have to get a different car eventually I just really wish we had more time to prepare. 

Honestly this turbulence has made me reconsider TTCing. I can't be alone in feeling this way when faced with hard decisions. In the back of my mind old cliches say "When you stop wanting it, it will happen." and then I get excited for the mystical fertility magic of "stop thinking about it".

This is cycle day 23, and Aunt Flow should be here probably late this week. Until then I'll be car shopping and crying.

Best Wishes